|Writing done by leopardclawxx.|
Days had passed since Loki's fall. Thor had barely slept, fearful of what dreams might bring. Instead he tossed and turned, and still had not quite accepted the fact that Loki would not ever be coming back.
Odin had decided that throwing a feast was a good idea, a sort of welcome home feast for his golden son. After all, he had just returned from his exile, so that was cause enough for celebration. Never mind the fact that his other son had just died. Thor had tried to insist that he didn't want a feast or a party or anything. He just wanted to mourn for his brother.
When Frigga had asked him to go, he couldn't bear to say no. Somehow, it was easier to be stubborn with his father than with his mother. So, it was decided that there would be a feast for Thor, and of course to mourn Loki at the same time. Thor made a note to himself to put on a brave face.
All he could think about during the feast was Loki. He had tried to sleep the previous night, in an attempt not to look too tired, but to no avail. He kept being awoken by Loki's ghost haunting his dreams.
"Thor? Are you alright?" Thor blinked as he realised Sif was trying to talk to him. He suddenly felt guilty, having avoided her and everyone else all evening.
"Hm? Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine." He was certain that she would be able to tell he was anything but fine, but then he had never been very good at lying and deceiving. That had always been Loki.
"I'm glad you're home." she said, trying to steer the conversation so that Thor would stop thinking about Loki. He smiled, small but true.
"I'm glad that you are glad. I would have missed you had you not come to find me." Thor picked at his food, distracted. It was unlike him to not be hungry, but then it was also unlike him to have trouble sleeping and to feel like he couldn't cope. It was also unusual not to have Loki making snide remarks about everything.
"You miss him, don't you?" Thor was aware that he had drifted off into his thoughts again.
"I'm, sorry, Sif." He could feel a lump in his throat. Sif smiled, seeming concerned, and took his hand in hers. "it's just- I mean- Yes. Yes, I miss him. I wish everyone else did too, but look at them, all enjoying themselves like nothing's happened."
"This is your home-coming feats, it's supposed to be happy." she reminded him, trying once again to take his mind away from Loki.
"Then why does it feel more like an oh-look-he's-dead-oh-well feast then? Why does no-one seem to care?" Thor bit the inside of his cheek, preferring to taste his own blood than let himself cry at his own feast.
"I could say that he will be mourned by everybody, but we both know that's not exactly true." Thor looked away and Sif squeezed his hand.
"I know you don't care he's dead Sif, and I know what you're going to say. I should enjoy myself, or at least try to, just for today, because I'm home and everyone is glad. But I just can't."
He pushed his plate away and slumped in his chair. As much as Sif tried, she couldn't possibly understand how much he hurt inside. For her it was easy, she despised Loki. She had ever since he'd cut off all her hair for a silly trick.
In fact, no-one else had really liked Loki. He had been just as cruel to them as they had been to him, so why should they care that he was dead? Thor felt sick as he realised that Loki had probably thought all the same things as he hung from the Bifrost. He had probably thought about all the people who wouldn't miss him and here Thor was, at this feast proving Loki right.
"I'm sorry about Loki, I really am. But he's dead, Thor. He isn't coming back." Thor inhaled sharply. Did she know about how he had begged for his brother to come back? How he couldn't let go? Sif was trying to be gentle and it just made Thor feel guiltier.
He wanted to say something but all his words had escaped. Sif brushed her thumb over the back of his palm. Thor looked at her and made no attempt to hide the sadness in his smile.
"I'm sorry, Sif. I'm sorry." He pulled his hand away and stood up. Without looking back, he walked towards the door. He needed to get out, to feel the cool air of outside because suddenly the room was suffocating him.
"Thor." He stopped as his mother said his name. "Where are you going?"
"I just need a moment." he said, his voice soft, afraid that if he spoke louder it would break. Frigga walked over and placed her hand on his arm.
"Please do not stay out too long. Your friends will miss you."
"At least my friends will miss me and I am coming back." he murmured. He did not mean to sound so bitter and harsh, but from the look Frigga gave him, he realised they must have been.
After mumbling an apology, he wandered out onto the Bifrost. He had used to like being there. They had used to play there, running up and down it. He had found the stars above vast and wonderful and the quiet peaceful. Now it all just hurt.
Thor sat with his legs hanging over the edge for a while.